Buzz Word
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posted by Vicky Jo at 10:42 AM
Friday, September 01, 2006
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- Name: Vicky Jo
- Location: Los Angeles, California, United States
I coach people to identify and develop their natural personality strengths in order to maximize their potential.
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Previous Posts
- A Coach Sharing Call
- J / P Returns !
- Psychic Threedux
- Shakespeare
- Merging or Privately Matching ?
- Dancing
- Archetype
- Beebe on Ni
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- Styles Comparison
13 Comments:
I just read the Buzz Word page, and I can't tell you how much the word 'appropriate' resonates with me. I noticed a while ago that I was probably the only person I know who denounces thing as and because they are 'inappropriate'. Social customs. People who don't understand the nuances, drive me crazy!!
Interesting topic. As an INFP, I am more concerned with everyone feeling comfortable that what is "appropriate" behavior. Your example of going to dinner with a large group is, I think, insightful. The last time I went to dinner with a large group was when my sister got married and we were out to dinner with the bride's and groom's extended families. There were probably around 15 people at dinner, and my side of the table was served first. Once everyone at my end was served, several of us started eating since the few who weren't served were practically out of earshot. My grandmother caught us, though, and demanded that we all set down our forks until everyone was served.
I don't mean to imply that everyone with extraverted feeling would scold everyone as my grandmother did--she has a take charge interaction style and has very high standards where manners and decorum are concerned.
I love what you're pointing to, Laura!
And your grandmother's reaction is fun to analyze. I know I have a habit of "parenting" my husband around how to use his extraverted Feeling well, and it's sometimes a challenge to button my lip when the coaching isn't wanted!
In terms of manners, I always hark to what Miss Manners writes, which is that telling others how to have good manners is not good manners. If others do things that are offensive, there are tactful ways to overlook or draw matters to someone's attention. And I find I must remind myself of that quite often.
I made my nieces and nephews sit through a videotape that teaches some basic manners. I told them I was thinking of using it in a coach program I was developing, and I valued their opinion of whether it was worth watching. So they watched it and gave me their feedback, and I feel like I slyly got them to be coached on good manners at the same time!
LOL, reminds me of what I'd do if I'm not careful. I tend to be abit of a game guru for Some games. And the one thing I noticed is that almost everytime one of my friends play a game I know decently about. I'd always give this suggestions like "Mmm doing it this way could've been better." DESPITE the fact that they been playing those games for almost as long as I have and I still try to lecture them : /. I got snapped at a few times too, got told a few times to shut up too >.>. Can't blame them tho, I'd be annoyed myself at that. Ah well, I'll learn to be quiet someday about that :x.
Heh! That's an interesting one. I've always been intensely irritated by extensive emphasis on 'appropriate' behaviours, probably because of Fe's oppositional stance in the INFP type code. My first reaction to it as a buzz word was "bleeugh!!" The trouble is that if someone criticises my manners, they're essentially criticising my use of the feeling function, which always seems insulting. The haughty, defensive 'I know better' feeling which I can get when expected to conform to the social script, makes sense in this light. I was wondering if you ever feel excessively irritated when somebody tries to parent you with Ne??
Great question! Let me put some thought into that. Mostly I notice how my "witch" shows up when somebody tries to "parent" me with introverted Feeling.
And.... as I write this... I think it bugs me when something is *decided* and then somebody comes at me with new possibilities at that point. I will put up RESISTANCE. I'm open to new possibilities, but you gotta get 'em under my radar. As far as "parenting" with them goes, I want to give that more thought. THANKS for the great question!
The thought just occurred to me that I probably blow it off so fast that it doesn't even register. :-O
I had an experience last week that set off my "inappropriate" alarm in a big way! I attended an evening service at a well-known (in my city) Lutheran church. This service is always rather informal, so I've heard, but I was irritated by it, mainly because it felt more like a concert than a religious service. A jazz pianist provided the music for the service. He played excellently...and received a hearty round of applause after every piece. What's the problem with this? Church protocol says that you don't applaud those who are displaying their musical talents during services, whether organist or choir singer or anyone else, for the simple reason that they are not performing to entertain the congregation. Their music is as much a form of worship as praying. It's certainly fine to express appreciation - after the service. In the words of Miss Manners, "If God wishes to applaud in His church, He may do so." But the congregation doesn't. And the congregants certainly don't clap for the pastor after he gives a sermon. Yes, that happened at this service, too.
When I told my friends, who were with me at the time, my opinions about the whole affair, they could not comprehend why the applause bothered me. So the congregants felt like clapping. So what? Who cares about such a stuffy old rule?
I have just recently discovered my INFJ preferences, and exploring them has been an eye-opening experience. And yes, I am a big fan of Miss Manners. My copy of her "Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" is well-worn from frequent consultation!
LOL! I think I am hearing my own voice! I know *exactly* what you are talking about. I was raised in exactly the same way -- no applause. And yet in my sister's church they do applaud sometimes. So the signals are mixed. I tend to just go along with whatever everybody else is doing and refrain from making judgments about it so as to focus more on the positives. But yes, I notice I devote mental "bandwidth" to the challenge!
I found reading Miss Manners to be sooo reassuring. ;-D
This helped a lot! I concluded I was an INFJ a few months back, but after looking at this and several other pages I realize I'm INFP. One of the things that made me think I was INFJ was that I've always valued politeness. But I understand now that that focus on politeness isn't really a frame of mind like Fe, but more a display of empathy. I think of conforming to social rules as a way of acting in a way that's pretty much guaranteed not to hurt or offend anyone, and thus it's the easiest way to promote harmony with people I'm not familiar with.
I recall as a child I saw other children running around doing whatever they wanted (often at the expense of others), and I wished I could let loose and act silly or rip things apart like they were, but I thought about it and realized it would only be fun if it was "ok" because breaking rules or acting at the expense of others would upset the people around me, which would in turn upset me.
So basically I see manners as a way of expressing empathetic respect for others until you know them well enough to know how "loose" you can act around them.
Hm... I agree with your analysis, but am curious about your conclusion. It seems like an INFJ perspective to me.
INFPs seem to have more of a "rebel" streak to me -- social rules be d*mned. Keirsey has claimed to know a number of INFP gang members, if that gives you any ideas.
xNFP here. When I was a kid I used to let out sudden bursts of excitement in the most inappropriate places.. in the middle of class, on buses, in public. I was criticized harshly each time, and now know much better how to behave and keep it to myself. However during any sort of special occasion I am especially aware of how uncomfortable other people feel (especially kids) for having to adhere to these standards. The applauding during church situation, I would encourage everybody to do this! If something moves you, then express it. I was well known as an instigator for causing all sorts of "trouble" with the authorities.. but only when it came to other people, when I felt like they were being suppressed. Freedom to be who you are is something I value greatly, which explains why I get into quarrels so often.
The first time I realized that not being appropriate actually bothered people, was when I met my ISFJ GF. She was the one to express her annoyance at people clapping during church. Before then I had just assumed that they were being anal about not letting people express themselves.. Now that I know better, I take it into account before complaining about them being overbearing :)
I used to be an atheist, only recently have I come to believe in God. Yet I do not believe in Satan, I find it hard to believe that someone who is all powerful, all Good, would not allow even the greatest of sinners.. into Heaven. Because I certainly would, and if I have that compassion, an All Good deity would -clearly- be capable.
People often asked me why I don't believe in Satan, I couldn't give them an answer. I arrived at my conclusion quickly, steadfast, and only now have I realized that it must be because Satan and Hell is evil, the most Evil of all Evils? I honestly cannot even imagine it.
Explain it to me in practical terms and I imagine a prison of the worst sort.. but even prisoners can reform. So yeah.
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