Beebe on Fi
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posted by Vicky Jo at 5:32 PM
Thursday, August 03, 2006
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9 Comments:
Without the context this might be a little difficult to understand, but I feel it relates to the influence of Fi on deciding whether a person should be in my future.
After a series of events where I felt disrespected by a close ENFJ friend I find myself uncertain as to whether I should invest myself back into the friendship. The process of deciding the correct path to take is difficult and is sending me in circles!
After a period of space without contact I spoke with him at a group gathering and felt okay with this. Nonetheless, despite knowing he values our friendship I'm finding it difficult to imagine him taking a part in my life again (despite his clear willingness). Part of this seems related to my inability to understand how this person could manage to not take into account my feelings and values and yet still respect me and our friendship. If I can't identify how it went wrong and change something then it seems likely it will happen again in some way. I do generally operate by a 'live and let live' attitude and I value close friends, so shutting someone out like this seems strange and ruthless to me. I'm in two minds... as my boundaries and feelings feel discounted and this is something I want to avoid happening again. There has been a lot of questioning of integrity, mostly his, but in part my own with regard to fairness.
It's interesting, because I find that I (Vicky Jo) am really challenged about severing relationships, even when they're horrible for me! I agonize over them, and I tend to blame myself for EVERYTHING, even when that's ridiculous!
Introverted Feeling crawls all over me and tells me how selfish I am. Fe really really wants me to stay connected! The funny thing is that I always feel like a witch when I kiss somebody off (that's the archetypal energy showing up). And yet, in spite of that, there are boundaries that simply MUST be drawn sometimes. That's the healthy part of your Self.
(The Fi part is the deciding to stick up for yourself. Then it's the Te part to set the boundary, if you have to draw a line in the sand.)
It's all terribly hard. :-(
In contrast, I know some DomFi's who kiss people off without a second thought -- when you become "persona non grata," they really can just let go and forget you're even alive. The grace some others display around this seems amazing.
i'm an infp and beebe's comments on fi sounds about right to me...though i think i would substitute "acceptance" for "respect"
I'm *not* an infp, and I notice I feel disagreement with you. I make up that what Beebe means by "respect" is "respect for my values." Now it's possible one of those values (your values?) may be "acceptance," which is why it's showing up for you -- and that would make it congruent with my stubbornness about Beebe's language. How does that land for you?
The problem with that 'seven blind men and an elephant' story, though, is that it makes Fi look like an idiot! At least I think so. It's a very unflattering mental picture, and the whole context of the story is that the blind men can't figure out it's an elephant.
(I wrote a longer criticism on temperament talk, this is just the gist of it)
I'm sorry you feel that way, Gabe, since the story is Beebe's own. Moreover, my DomFi clients have really appreciated the metaphor. They know that their feelings run deep, and they don't always have quick, snappy verbalizations for what is going on with them. It takes them a long time to "feel" their way around what's going on with them, and even longer to find the words that adequately express it. (When they move into articulation, they're no longer using Fi.)
An ISTJ type expert I know characterizes introverted Feeling as those times when you "choke up" and have difficulty explaining what's important to you. As a former military man, he gets choked up about defending his country, and believe me, he has a great deal of firsthand experience with that. It's very touching to be near him at those times -- you cannot fail to be moved. Likewise, when Joe Biden choked up during the vice presidential debate with Sarah Palin, we got a glimpse of his introverted Feeling. As with the elephant story, I doubt that Biden could glibly tell us why that moment was important to him -- but it left no doubt in my mind that it *was* vitally important. In no way would I characterize that as "idiotic." FWIW, YMMV.
I feel disrespected if I'm ignored, discounted, put down, or personally attacked in the middle of an argument that has nothing to do with me or the other person.
Sometimes it takes a while to react. I'll even continue being nice while the information seeps into my psyche. At that moment i will keep acting normal while my mind collects all the vibes. Therefore when i make the decision to sever ties, its much later and the person doesn't even know that they are being obliterated from my world at that time.
When its clear to me that i am not valued by this person, I snap and it's over in a second. I will not fight or explain or behave any different, but the person will know its over. From then on they will disappear from my universe as if they were never there. Rather, I will disappear from their universe as if I were never there.
When I disconnect, for me what comes after is freedom. Pain usually exists before then, when i am still holding on to the person and wondering if i should disappear or not.
I have a suspicion that what you just described is how we *all* experience our introverted Feeling.
Because it's the sixth function for me (with INFJ preferences), it usually takes a long time for the snap, and there's frequently a lot of [w]itchiness that occurs first, and a lot of self-criticism, and then the explosion and severing. And it has to be pretty bad before I give up if the relationship has any depth. And then, even after the severing, I often feel "haunted" and crave the connection again like a magnet pulling on me. In other words, it's very messy.
For me, there's no witchiness in the sense of feeling that am wrong for leaving perse. My struggle is always tied to my values: "Turn the other cheek" and love unconditionally. Before I simply could not leave because I'd be breaking this value. I realized that you can love from a distance and still love, and loving carries no obligation to be in relationship with all people. so as long as i don't hate or resent, am happy walking and staying away.
Sometimes, 'walking away' can also mean disconnecting secretly too. This is so especially when i need to disconnect from a friend at work. We will meet and talk but there is no loyalty from my heart. You get? I will help if asked but in my heart she has been labelled 'not a factor' though it wont show. It's necessary to protect myself when i can't completely stay away from a person. When i disconnect this way, in my heart, there's a wall protecting me from them and they can't hurt me.
Also for me, unlike you, once i have made the decision from my heart, it is over. No longing or wanting afterwards, whether the relationship was ten years old or one. The longing is always for me a sign that though my TE directed it, my heart is still not disconnected.
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