Stress
Do you have a comment about this page?
posted by Vicky Jo at 3:12 AM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
About Me
- Name: Vicky Jo
- Location: Los Angeles, California, United States
I coach people to identify and develop their natural personality strengths in order to maximize their potential.
Please contact me to arrange a free strategy session -- I would be delighted to speak with you.
Previous Posts
- Communication Redux
- Tandem Processing
- Rate Yourself
- Contrasting Ni and Ne
- Contrasting Fi and Fe
- Truth in Humor
- Process, Results, & E-mail Lists
- More Words
- Another Buzz Word
- Codependence
7 Comments:
This might be a stupid thing to say, but doesn't everyone want to get away and think about problems?. I just got in an arguement yesterday with someone in my dorm because he was blasting music while my roomate was trying to sleep. By the time I finished arguing, I felt like I had to stay away from my dorm until I could think clearly. I think the 'smoke filled room' is an expression that resonates with many, many people. Until reading your site I think I assumed that that's how everyone feels. But can you talk a bit more about the 'freeze' style? What exactly did that person do, and how do they deal with the 'smoke-filled room' feeling? Can people who do freeze tell me about how that works?
Hey there...
It is impossible to make the distinction that "only INFJs get distance on their problems," because naturally we all do that at *some point*. So I fully understand your challenge.
Regarding the example you share, however, I notice you are operating on someone else's behalf and not acting for yourself. That makes the dynamics a lot messier. It sounds as though perhaps extraverted Feeling was engaged, and you were fighting somebody else's battle? That's a rather typical kind of behavior for extraverted Feeling -- taking care of others. What I wonder is what if the conflict was about YOU? How might it have looked different? That's when the behavior is more likely to be accurate. So if the "blaster" were disrupting YOUR sleep, would you be more or less likely to confront them? Would you go and challenge them then, or would you just find a pair of earplugs or cover your head with a pillow, or somehow try to ignore it -- maybe just find someplace else to sleep? If it were between you and them, it would be a lot more accurate.
For examples of "freeze" or "faint," I too invite others to share. In my case, my mother has the "Behind-the-Scenes" style, and for years I witnessed her avoiding fights with my father. He would occasionally come into the kitchen and verbally abuse her, and she would continue washing the dishes or sweeping the floor and not even reply to him. It's as if she were selectively deaf. Other times she would simply listen to him silently and receive his insults.
I always wanted her to fight back! I thought it was horrible that she just "rolled over and played dead." And yet she's managed to "ride it out" for fifty years now. Had it been me -- the relationship would have ended pretty quickly. In fact, my dad often picked fights with me because he knew I would fight back.
I hope this helps some?
If the blaster had been keeping me from getting to sleep: well, it would depend how much I needed that sleep, and in general how much I cared. I confronted the person because I felt that the obnoxious music was one of those things that my ISTJ roomate doensn't do anything about, but then sort of takes his anger out on me. He was really grumpy about it, but he didn't want to talk to the jerk in the room next door.
However, when I confronted the person, I started with 'my roomate wants', but switched to 'i want', because I felt like 'my roomate wants' would be a cheap way of putting the burden of a conflict that he didn't want to have on him. God, I hate when people won't stick up for themselves.
Well, I'm noticing a lot of "rationale" in what you're writing, so I can't sift through it very easily. The bottom line seems to be that it wasn't your fight, and you took on somebody else's fight as your own. Thus it's impossible to discern what's triggered. Can you bring back an example that's just you and someone else?
And truthfully, why don't you let your ISTJ roommate fight his own battles? If he takes it out on you, put it right back on him. Otherwise you're smack in the middle of a victim/persecutor/rescuer triangle, and that's a tiresome game.
Last but not least, notice that you're complaining about people who use "freeze" or "faint" where you say you hate it when people won't stick up for themselves. That's exactly what Behind-the-Scenes is NOT doing when they "freeze" or "faint." So you've found it for yourself right there. Can you see it?
That's exactly what Behind-the-Scenes is NOT doing when they "freeze" or "faint." So you've found it for yourself right there. Can you see it?
There is a value, placed by our Western culture, upon standing up for one's self, and not allowing oneself to be used, or walked on, which is in conflict with the behind the scenes tendancy for handling stress. And in fact, I've encountered situations where my standing up for myself would be counter productive to my long range, behind the scenes goals, particulary where that goal is to have an impact on or for someone else. I can't think of a good example right this second. Sorry.
I do however recall many occasions where I was given derogatory labels for failing to adhere to that value of our culture. My Mother used to call me Simone Milquetoast, I guess trying to encourage me to stand up for myself, but she left out the "How do I accomplish that" portion of the encouragement, and it certainly wasn't an innate ability that I had just decided one day that I didn't want to use anymore. A problem with behind the scenes' typical style of stress handling is that in certain situations it calls more attention to yourself not less, which has the impact of only increasing your stress; and the feeling behind all of that extra attention is not admiration.
In my case, my mother has the "Behind-the-Scenes" style, and for years I witnessed her avoiding fights with my father. He would occasionally come into the kitchen and verbally abuse her, and she would continue washing the dishes or sweeping the floor and not even reply to him. It's as if she were selectively deaf. Other times she would simply listen to him silently and receive his insults.
I used to have a LOT of trouble with my mother. She is an ESTJ, and has the habit of micromanaging everyone in my family AND HER family as often as she can. It's crazy. Every time I get into conflict with her.. I shut her out. I just let her talk, and then after a while I tune her out completely. I'm pretty good at it now so I do it with most conflict. Your mother probably realized that fighting him back would not work, because every time I responded to my mom, it turned into a HUGE fight since neither of us would back down. It might also be her way of saying "I know I'm right and you're wrong, so I'm just going to let you go on with whatever you're going on about".
I certainly see much value in my "freeze" conflict response. Obviously my culture emphasizes anything but freezing. As an African-American, I am culturalized to stand up and fight for myself and for what I care about. African-American females are pictured as being strong, loud, sassy and ready to fight. Above all, we're supposed to TALK about it.
But I am often the one in a conflict who seems at peace, and the calming presence when everyone else is aflutter or fighting. Inside I may be anything but peaceful but I take great pangs not to show it. In so doing, that gives me time to process, decide if its worth fighting, prioritize, examine the conflict from multiple angles, and figure out the stakes. All of that processing often leads to me deciding not to engage in conflict, to give in to the other. This doesn't always work out, sometimes it leads to repressed emotions and a blow-up later.
Post a Comment
<< Home