The Reciprocity Factor
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posted by Vicky Jo at 3:15 AM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
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- Name: Vicky Jo
- Location: Los Angeles, California, United States
I coach people to identify and develop their natural personality strengths in order to maximize their potential.
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9 Comments:
I don't know if you're in the mood for it, but it shows up for me over here that possibly your wife could coach you about improving your relationship with your MIL using Fe if you thought that was worth doing. My INTJ husband occasionally asks me about how to handle students in his classes in an Fe-appropriate way, and I feel respected and appreciated to be consulted in this manner -- especially since I know it's not easy for him to do! He'd prefer to handle matters with his own favorite processes, but he's mature enough to get it that his gifts aren't ideally suited to every circumstance. (And naturally I consult his Te and Fi frequently to navigate my own sticky situations.)
Vicky Jo,
I'm an INFP, and I definitely personally agree with your statement: "I'm guessing that...NFPs are less inclined to do something for others they don't feel like doing in the first place."
Yes.
For me this is a matter of congruence and personal authenticity.
Acts of service or kindness, or favors, come from my voluntary personal will, and are a reflection of the internal me [which includes my personal values]; but also, of my care and affection, empathy, or regard for the person I'm doing them for.
Doing something like this is a very personal, intimate act- not a social one.
What 'social acts' of ettiquette or service I perform or carry out (in service of something like Fe, which I have at least a little of), I am more likely to carry out in the manner described by the person throwing the rope down the well, instead of climbing in.
If I climb in for you, that is an act of devotion and love, and it is only given either to a special few-- or, in very special _circumstances_ -in which some of my most heartfelt Fi values are constellated, and I am moved from within me. (Not necessarily BY you...or my love for you.)
In the case of an act of personal love, no, I don't want to be thanked, and I especially don't want to be 'paid back'- I want and expect you to feel loved.
That is all I want.
What I need to especially say as an INFP, about being 'paid back'...in cases of acts of *love*... is that for me this can feel awful; by someone paying me back, it has no longer become an intimate act, and my 'love' was not accepted.
Instead of love, the person is saying they received it as a social token, a reward for favor; and by handing something back to me, that un-repayable Love has been rejected.
It is like it was bounced right back to me.
Nothing landed. Nothing sticks.
And I cannot get a good feeling off this.
So, in a way, I am saying the same thing as the INFP who responded that what they expect back is just to be loved. Only I am saying it from the opposite way around: 'I want YOU to feel loved' -with the implication being, when you allow yourself to _feel loved_ by what I've done, you will feel loving feelings back.
I hope this is helpful to you.
Emily
Thanks for making that clear, Emily.
Bruno, INFP
INFJs tend to live by The Golden Rule that claims if I do something nice for you, then you'll do something nice for me.
The golden rule to me isn't about making deposits in one's bank so I can reap benefits in return. Its more about giving you what I wish I to received from you. Well what do I wish to receive? I want to feel accepted, included, and other things. Well this requires some translation. I need to get to know you, so I can discover what you want to receive from me. Odds are I won't be able to determine what that would be, by looking inside of me.
To me (INFP, I believe at this point), the Golden Rule does not claim "if I do something nice for you, then you'll do something nice for me." The "If-Then" phrasing of that bothers me quite a lot. The Golden Rule is simply TO "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," that is to treat others the way you wish to be treated.
I aspire to do this not for any reward at all, but because I cherish this proverb as a core value. To me, it is simply the "right thing to do." And, I do believe that it fosters kindness demonstrated toward me in return, or at least as a result.
I feel that I have done a lot of self-sacrificing in my life so far, not out of a desire for reciprocation, but for the (perceived) betterment of those closest to me. I have a problem with the line "thus they assume if you do something for them then it's something you wanted to do anyway" because I would never assume that someone who loves me would only self-sacrifice or go out of their way because they just "wanted to anyway." I accept their actions as expressions of love/caring/desire to help me.
Thanks,
Ken
Looks like I'm years late to the party here, but I'd like to add what I believe is a perspective from deep within an INFP, because of all pages on your site, I have a strong reaction to this one.
I work in music, a world filled with scratch my back and I'll scratch yours interactions. I bristle at the idea. I find it unethical, often a conflict of interest, and I have to wonder what people's motivations for things are.
If I do a favor for someone, it's because I feel it would simply be a good thing to do, satisfying for me, and hopefully appreciated by the recipient, or I generally feel they need some help and I'm able to give it, and that alone is satisfying. I was a help to someone, period. I'm happy. I do not expect, or even want anything in return (though maybe I want them to think well of me). In fact if they did return the favor, I would feel that they're only doing it because they think they owe me, and now I'm afraid they think I owe them, and this is a never ending cycle.
Same goes the other way, with harm. Someone has to break the cycle or else at the extreme, you have revenge killings that never stop.
In fact it scares me to think that people would do me a favor, not because it is something they want to do but rather in order to one day get a favor back. I don't know when or how I might be able to reciprocate. I might not be able to. Then what? That will create bad feelings and drama. I don't need that.
Hi Vicky,
First of all, great website. Thanks for putting it together these information. I'm sure it took A LOT of work to do this.
I think I'm a INFJ, and I agree on your view on reciprocity.
While I did not sacrifice as much as you did, I did feel the same way when people don't return your favour.
I have a friend who doesn't drive so every time when people get together, I have to drive 16km (10 miles) roundtrip to pick him up and drive him home after. This has been happening for 3-4 years.
Unfortunately, this person takes it as granted. I recently asked him for a small favour to invite his Facebook friends to a group I created. Guess what, he didn't even bother with it!
It's unbelievable that some people just don't show appreciation. If someone had to drive me around, I will feel terribly guilty and would repay that gesture whenever I can like buying him/her a drink or lunch.
Another recent incident also illustrates my reciprocity feeling. I was buying lunch at my school. When I was at the cashier, my credit card did not work, and I had no cash. A schoolmate offered to pay for it. I initially rejected her offer but accepted after her insistence.
It's only $10 but I felt so GRATEFUL when someone helps me. Throughout that week, paying back my debt have been hovering on top of my head.
When I saw her the next week and offered to pay her back but she rejected it. I felt indebted so I bought her a coffee instead.
I know it sounds weird but I feel indebted because that coffee doesn't equal to the value she loaned me...
As an INFJ, I find it difficult to say "no" when asked for a favour/help. Due to the influence of my INTJ husband, I'm getting better at it. Just being asked puts me in a lose/lose situation because I feel guilty for saying "no" if I can possibly fit it into my life, but will hate being committed to doing something I didn't really want to do in the first place. If I can assign a higher value to my refusal (ie. My family needs me during that time.), then I'm ok. Refusing simply because I don't want to is getting easier, but still a work in progress.
My INFP friend not only has no difficulty saying "no", but if she agrees to helping, she has no difficulty with defining what that help will look like regardless of what the expectation was when asked. Quite honestly, it bugs me because I feel like she gets a LOT of goodwill for being easy going and easy to approach, but no one calls her on not following through.
I'm an INFP, but I definitely can't say no if someone asks for something unless I have a valid reason why I can't. The only thing ?I do expect when I do something for someone is appreciation, that to me IS payment. When I make my ENTP husband that I think he will really like and he says, "you know what would make this better...." It completely hurts my feelings and makes me feel unappreciated. He sees it as a way to make it even better next time. My husband, however, will help anyone with anything and does the whole keeping track thing. When he needs something he can always find someone to repay the favor. It is completely astonishing to me that all these people want to help. I never want to ask anybody for anything...hence comments like, "we need milk." Those comments fall on deaf ENTP ears though.
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