Thursday, June 15, 2006

INFP Informing

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9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm an INFP.

I would agree, ignoring a question three times just because you don't have an answer is rude. Much easier to say "I don't know", or if busy say "Can I get back to you on that?".

I will admit, however, I have on occasion ignored people if I had good reason to think they had no legitmate business for asking in the first place.

August 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Bill.

My reasons for not responding are:
- it´s clear to me that the person is abusing my willingness to help him/her
- I have already made clear why I will not answer a particular (or any) question

Bruno, INFP

September 25, 2006  
Blogger Vicky Jo said...

I don't know that the INFP who made this remark necessarily meant that someone was standing there asking them the same question over and over again. That's awfully blatant. I had the sense there was a time lapse between the questions -- maybe 3x during the course of a workshop or something.

Regardless, I do get the impression I need to get back to my "source" and ask him to clarify his meaning here. I don't want to create some notion that INFPs are all rudely inconsiderate. I don't imagine claiming that's a hallmark of this type pattern is anything John Beebe would approve of.

October 05, 2006  
Blogger Vicky Jo said...

I think most everyone has experienced that feeling of being "invisible" before, regardless of what type one is. I know there have been times when people deliberately ignored me, and I found it quite offensive.

But I do think it doesn't happen to me nearly as often as it does to those with Behind-the-Scenes preferences. That style seems to operate at a distinct social disadvantage I think. (Although compensation can look awful, depending on how much grace a person has developed with the flex.)

December 04, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Context is really important here. If someone asks you three times in the space of one conversation and you don't even acknowledge them, that's not preference, that's just rude. Suppose, on the other hand, that you are participating in an e-list, and someone asks the list three times, and you don't respond. Still rude? These are extreme examples, of course, and there is an implied continuum between them. There are those who will insistently ask rhetorical questions with no purpose other than to prove their own point. It is certainly not rude to fail to answer such questions, which are themselves rude. It would be easier to comment on the specific instance if more context were available.

And yes, I am INsomethingP.

December 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A really shy INFP might be too tongue-tied to reply, or might not be able to think of a reply that he thinks couldn't be misconstrued. Sometimes we INFPs get so tangled up in the many, many possible responses that people might have to what we say, we sort of get brain-locked.

A better example of Informing, I think, is this one. I think it's time to set the table for dinner. I say to my (likely INTJ) teenager, "It's almost dinner time - the table hasn't been set." She thinks about this, and goes back to what she's doing. I'm irked.

What happened? Well, I think I gave her all the information she needs to do what needs to be done - and she's an intelligent person and ought to act on it. But from her point of view, I didn't make a request! So she doesn't have to do anything.

So I'm learning to either make specific requests or do it myself. And the more tired I am, the easier it is to do it myself ... the anticipated conflict (she [b]always[/b] has something else she'd rather do and puts up at least some resistance) puts me off if I'm feeling out of it.

- Cho

March 30, 2007  
Blogger Vicky Jo said...

Speaking as a directing type, if I *knew* someone had asked a question three times, I would feel OBLIGED to answer in some way, even if it was to say that I wasn't going to answer, or didn't want to answer. I feel compelled to be that straightforward. What was remarkable for me in the INFP's statement was his awareness of deliberately sidestepping the question. That was where the difference showed up the most clearly to me. Choosing not to answer rather than addressing the matter straight-on is where informing and directing would naturally part company.

March 31, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi

Can't help but to think of my younger sister (I'm INFP, don't know what she is) and how she always seem to want others to help her decide... on anything! Like clothes - a subject she knows a lot more about than me; I frequently enlist her help and she gladly gives it. Still, If she is pondering on whether to buy or wear a certain skirt or a top, or something, she just HAS to ask for my opinion. What I think, if I like it, if she should by it and so on... And she wants me to say "BUY IT!" or "DON*T BUY IT" My informing her of, for example, my take on the skirts colour in contrast to her hair is ignored as a non-answer.

I can't! I can't just tell her what to do, like she seems to want, it feels tyrannical and wrong. I know that she knows what to do, if she just trusts herself. So I can't help but feel frustrated everytime she excpects me to give her a direct answer.

My solution is to keep informing her on my takes on the subject, followed ny gentle enquires on how she feels about it - trying to figure out what she wants me to say.

/Hanna

July 10, 2007  
Blogger Vicky Jo said...

Hanna --

I notice my coach "self" is triggered, and I'm wanting to tell you how to address this "problem." ;-D

Well, I have two ideas to share from the coaching world anyway.

1) Tell her what to do. I had a coaching client ask me what to do a lot, and finally I said he should sell his house, move to Hawaii, and send me all the proceeds. I let him know that if he gave me his social security number and bank account information, I would even be happy to handle it for him. (He didn't ask me what to do so much after that, so I think he got the message. ;-D)

2) Ask her what she thinks about the choices, and don't stop asking. Give her feedback on what you hear. So if she's trying to decide between [say] the red outfit or the blue one, ask her what her opinions are. Then parrot some of it back -- say something like, "It's sounding like you're more enthusiastic about the red than the blue -- it sounds like you think you *should* buy the blue one. Is that right?" So keep putting it back on her, and reflecting back her own process. Do active listening with her thoughts. (Don't give into the temptation to just give her answers if you can. You might even reflect that back to her -- "I notice you seem to want me to give you answers, and I think it would be insulting for me to do that given how you're a mature person and all. And besides, I don't want the responsibility." You might ask what aspects of her life she feels strong and capable of making decisions in, and compare them to areas of her life where she feels she lacks competence. Perhaps make some arrangements with her about how to "be" with her during those less confident situations to strengthen her confidence that doesn't translate into telling her what to do. What's missing in those situations? [Perhaps she needs to develop another cognitive process.])

So that's a little bit of life coach babbling over here. Does any of this trigger some ideas for you? Please let me know.

July 10, 2007  

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