Your Preferred Communication Style
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posted by Vicky Jo at 2:53 AM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
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- Name: Vicky Jo
- Location: Los Angeles, California, United States
I coach people to identify and develop their natural personality strengths in order to maximize their potential.
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26 Comments:
I'm afraid that I might use the informing style. Sigh. It sounds so wishy-washy, and is so annoying when other people talk like that, but I can think of many instances when I've beat-around-the bush like that. It was never comfortable though.
Say, could I conclude that because I don't LIKE talking like that, that it is not my preference, even if I seem to DO it more than the other? Or is that just wishful thinking? lol, oh my.
One of my clients thought she had INFJ preferences and thus had the directing communication style. When we worked together, she began to realize that she actually preferred informing (which Keirsey calls "reporting"). She had served in the Navy, so for her, it was partly about overcoming a cultural dictate that directing was the *correct* way to communicate.
When she realized how much more comfortable she was with informing (and that she was doing it unconsciously regardless), matters took a sharp right-hand turn. She's now "growing into her preferences" and loving her new pattern.
I don't know what "beating around the bush" means. It brings out the coach in me. It sounds to me like a pretty severe self-judgment. So let's zoom in closer on that.
When you are "beating around the bush," are you thinking to yourself, "Yay! Another chance to be wishy-washy!" or is that a putdown you lay on yourself later? What's happening in the interaction as it's actually happening?
It could be any number of things: are you thinking out loud, or maybe you haven't made a decision yet. Perhaps you are trying to get more information, even get others to contribute. Or maybe you need space to sort things out, especially if your tactical skills are over-taxed. So it's a way of buying time.
Rather than self-denigrate, I encourage you to look at what's happening in any exchange where you have labeled yourself negatively. (Notice the negative judgment -- is that introverted Thinking putting you down? or extraverted Feeling? I wonder.) If we were on the phone together, I'd ask you to walk me through each step.
So let's assume your intentions were honest, and you weren't trying to deliberately stuff things up. So try to clarify what you were trying to do, what consciousness you were standing in. (Isn't that a bit more generous of an approach? And I suspect you might gain a powerful insight about the way you "tick" if you are willing to do that, not to mention be gentler on yourself.)
Let me remind you that communication is not only the words we use -- a person is hardwired to prefer one or the other, so it shows up as a whole energy pattern in the interaction styles model.
I notice the INFJ.org site doesn't do a very good job of describing this dimension. They say:
============================
Informer talking to his daughter: "Wow, look at that lawn! It's like a jungle out there! I wish I had time to mow that lawn."
Director talking to his daughter: "Wow, look at that lawn! It's like a jungle out there! I don't have time to mow it today - will you do it this afternoon please?"
============================
I'm not surprised they characterize informing that poorly -- in my experience they don't do much to help distinguish INFJ from INFP, and tend to encourage people to join the "INFJ Club."
It would be more accurate for the informing father to say, "The lawn's a jungle. It would really benefit from a thorough mowing."
...and the directing father to say, "The lawn's a jungle. Could you take care of it tomorrow?"
The ideal communication style of course is to use a combination of both -- but knowing which style you prefer (and naturally gravitate toward) will reveal which type code fits you best. Neither style is "better," and please don't make yourself "wrong" for preferring one over the other. I'd pitch a fit if you laid that number on somebody else, and I'll pitch the same fit if you lay it on yourself.
This aspect of personality is pretty nigh impossible to describe in writing, but I've had decent luck with phone consultations and gallons of patience.
I'm an older INFP. In my earlier years I would use the informing style because I thought the directing style was condescending and might cause conflict, but now I tend to use whichever method I believe will work best with the situation and type of person that I'm dealing with.
I might start with informing first to see where they are at. If they don't catch on, or act impatient and want me to get to the point, then I will be more directing.
I also tend to mix the two styles and give explanations when I am directing. I find it helps keep everyone on the same page and doesn't tend to offend informer types as much as directing alone.
It's great that you've found the ideal communication style -- a mixture of both! But then again, I would expect that learning to come with maturity, and you claim to have a few years here on this planet.
Where this topic gets tricky is how people want to jump right to deciding whether one is "right" or "wrong" (or "good" or "bad"), and this misses the point of trying to determine which style you *naturally* prefer.
I like to cite an ancient Chinese proverb:
Tension is who you think you should be, relaxation is who you are.
So when you relax and do what comes *naturally*, that's when we're getting at a preference.
I know for certain now that I use the informing style. Not only am I continually concerned about hurting others' feelings, my work experience as a photographer's assistant made my informing preference painfully obvious. At a high school reunion photo shoot, it was my unhappy task to interrupt conversations and ask the guests to move over to the bleachers so we could take the picture. After watching the reunion guests ignore my request for about 10 minutes, the photographer took matters into his own hands and asked them to go to the bleachers. I watched with great embarassment as they obeyed his request.
My preference for an informing style of communication coupled with my MBTI preference for introversion has made me realize why I had such difficulty trying to organize large crowds when I worked for photographers.
Hey there Vicky Jo. Still reading, still thinking ... this really grabbed me. The first time I read it, I thought it confirmed that I was an INFJ. Then I read it again the next day after observing myself...and I have to say, I think Informing is really my style. Even when I tell people to do something, I MUST tell them why.
Is it an aspect of being an INFP to hate being Directed? I was once working on a project with someone who had a strong directing style. She was always saying, "Do this" ... "Do that" ... "Go there..." etc...and I HATED IT. I was grinding my teeth every time she opened her mouth. I can't stand being ordered around. If she had just told me "It's time to get into places for presentation" or "This needs to be cut out" or any other Informing statement, I'd have been so much more willing to work with her. So, is it an aspect of INFP to prefer using Informing not only in how they relate to people but in how people relate to them?
By the way -- if so, how does one get used to the Directing style?
Vicky Jo --
What do you think about Bill's suggestion of an INFP buzzword? If you agree with him, that'd really confirm things for me...feeling invisible has ALWAYS been a thing with me.
What I've noticed is how a number of my INFP clients complain about feeling invisible. So maybe it's a buzz phrase (instead of word)?
There's a song in the movie "Chicago" that talks about "Mr. Invisible," and I'm always reminded of the complaints my INFP clients have.
I think most people with the Behind-the-Scenes interaction style struggle with feeling invisible.
As to coping with people directing us, hmmmm.... How do I want to answer that?
It's not an easy question. When my husband directs me with extraverted Thinking, I bristle. But I have an ENFJ girlfriend who came over and helped de-clutter my house, and she "directed me" (bossed me!) around for HOURS and it didn't bother me in the least. It felt like we "merged" into one being. And yet, even with her In-Charge interaction style, it was less abrasive to me than my husband's.
So it's not like the answers are simple.
Certainly I normally resist being micro-managed, which may or may not include directing.
What I DO know is that people who prefer directing seem to receive directing fairly well -- they know that tune. But directing people don't always understand informing ("why didn't she just say so?!?"), and informing people think directing types are "rude" and "bossy" (as I understand it).
I wonder whether that helped, or whether it was clear as mud. ;-)
It's not an easy question. When my husband directs me with extraverted Thinking, I bristle. But I have an ENFJ girlfriend who came over and helped de-clutter my house, and she "directed me" (bossed me!) around for HOURS and it didn't bother me in the least. It felt like we "merged" into one being. And yet, even with her In-Charge interaction style, it was less abrasive to me than my husband's.
So you suspect that perhaps Michele might not be responding to another's communication style so much as perhaps to one of her own shadow functions eh? That's interesting.
"This may be tediously INFJ :)" but it may help to go into the motivation for the directing style.
For me -- and probably most others -- the directing style isn't used because it's "easier." Arguably, the informing style is simpler...there is a kind of pleasant, poetic openness to it. For that, it can be appreciated.
Yet 'poetic openness' can also become 'irresponsible communication' -- and so the context changes; it's no longer about personal preferences, it's about the communication itself and what it's supposed to do.
In other words, it becomes a question of priority; what's more important here, conveying a message clearly, with focus, and ensuring that it makes it to the other side intact, OR conveying a message with poetic openness that may ultimately be deeper, richer, and even more polite for the listener, but has a higher chance of not being understood as intended - if at all?
For INFJs who are bonafide NFs and belong to the gooey diplomatic family, this is NOT an easy decision! Being seen as 'bossy' -- especially by sweet, gentle, and kind INFPs who wouldn't harm a fly sitting on top of ANOTHER fly, this isn't something that any INFJ aspires to.
Yet I've yet to meet a healthy INFJ who doesn't choose what they see is the harder, yet necessary road: to convey with focus, even at the cost of being seen as caring.
Each type has a bane of its existence, and this may be it for INFJs.
Any thoughts?
Oh, and the other thing: Michelle, I also HATE being told what to do! :)
The energy I get in your message is one of timelessness -- having all the time in the world to create and craft these communications. And in situations of that sort, more flexibility is certainly available to show up in a marvelous way.
What I kept wondering about in your message is the impact of what we call "time & task." So... if the party starts in two hours and your family hasn't cleaned the house up yet, what does THAT communication look like? Does it seem "poetically open" or conveyed with "deliberate focus"??
It's when there's a little (but not too much!) stress involved that directing and informing most obviously come to the foreground and show up as a *preference* -- and those situations occur when we're A) running out of time, and B) the task is "at risk."
When I co-present sessions with my husband we usually run very close to the clock. Sometimes I will "boss" my husband about skipping Powerpoint slides or condensing a section. I get really self-conscious at those times because I know much of the audience will be judging me negatively for being "unfeminine." It's very uncomfortable to experience "can't-help-it" directing style. :-(
In fact, often attendees don't realize we're married because I don't defer to him when we co-present.
Hi,
It's very nice that you and your husband do workshops together.
You wrote:
"What I kept wondering about in your message is the impact of what we call "time & task." So... if the party starts in two hours and your family hasn't cleaned the house up yet, what does THAT communication look like? Does it seem "poetically open" or conveyed with "deliberate focus"??"
I've been thinking a lot about this since reading it earlier...I'm struggling with trying to interpret the answer to your question as I answer it, so I'll just answer it and leave the interpretation to you -- hope that's okay.
If the party starts in 2 hours and the house is messy, my typical response would be:
1. go into withdrawal mode (not talk to the people in my house), get VERY focused (like tunnel vision), and start cleaning the house myself -- expecting those "with eyes to see" (baaaaaaah) to follow my lead. i'll use my anger and resentment as a kind of energy.
i will, however, remember this for the next party :) :(
2. if someone DOES see that i've gone from relaxed TV watching to rolling up my jeans to mop the floor and lends a hand, I will try and find a productive thing for them to do -- but I won't lecture them on why they didn't help etc. I'll just assume they "got it" and that's fine.
Hmmmm...now you've got me thinking.
Whenever I've directed someone else (not guided or encouraged them, but flat out directed), inside me, it's always been sort of a "last resort" -- never my preferred method.
Do you know why? This is going to sound bizarre -- but if you can't be bizarre in a blog, where else on this planet can you be??
It's largely do to this (not entirely, but more than I probably want to admit).
When someone directs me to do something, I get irritated -- I don't like listening to other people even IF they're telling me to do something that should be done. I don't like giving other people my obedience -- on principle. I'm NOT a confrontational person at all, but I simply don't like being told what to do OR giving someone else the impression that I'm listening to them. I don't like the way it makes me feel -- I can't explain it further than this. Sorry.
So when I feel that I have to 'direct' someone as my last resort, I fully expect them to, somehow, hold it against me. They'll either do a lousy job (as I might do if they told me what to do!), or they'll just hate me and I'll have engineered some misery which will weigh me down and make me feel 'heavy' -- a feeling that I can't handle (heaviness; I don't mean physical weight, I mean emotionally).
In these terms, I really am starting to grasp that my preferred method, by far, is informing. Yet much like the Navy officer whom you worked with, 'directing' is so embedded into the kind of work that I do (everyone's work, probably), that maybe I've just come to figure it out.
My IDEAL culture, be it work or home, is where people simply get stuff on their own, know what to do, and there is no need for directing.
Whenever I direct, even IF I get the result I wanted, I feel lousy inside and always, secretly, feel that I've somehow 'failed' - that I got what I wanted (desired result) but that I didn't get it done the right way (that there was a better way and I didn't find it).
Please tell me what you think of this.
Thanks again.
I confess! That description sounds like informing communication to me... If there were other people around, I would have them "enrolled" pronto, especially if it's their party somehow too.
How does this land....?
Hi - here's something else to spec on..
Firstly, though VJ admits in her intro to the site that she's "INFJ bias", I actually find her comments remarkably well-balanced and in some situations, very...deferential to INFPs. This is very noble, and there are tons of INFJs who could follow this lead.
So what? Here: in this discussion on preferred communication style, the idea is that INFPs just don't like "telling people what to do"; I believe the INFP write-up on the site ("an INFPs perspective" or something like that) mentions stuff about really wanting to "help people integrate and be themselves."
Yeah, okay. Maybe for SOME INFPs this is true -- the really self-aware ones who have more experience than theory in them. For most INFPs though, I think that this is just perfect bullshit.
To imply that INFPs don't want people to do certain things is just an outright LIE. INFPs delude themselves by thinking that because they have the "p", that they're the "open-ended, open-minded" ones. This is a complete, utter FLAW in how people self-diagnose type. They pick either I/E, S/N, T/F and then alas, J/P. And to make those 'decisions', each function is seen in isolation. This is just impossible and its stupid and the most blatant reason why type should never be self-diagnosed through a 30-second internet edutainment site.
NOT because an INFP who tests INFP on the actual MBTI isn't going to test INFP if they go to any silly type hobbyists site (someone who dabbles in type). In fact, they probably WILL. But when you go to an actual qualified professional and get type done, you get those results interpreted. So you don't DELUDE yourself into thinking, for example, that as an INFP, you're "not judgement" -- because YOU ARE.
In fact, INFPs and ISFPs are OFTEN THE MOST JUDGEMENTAL TYPES OF ALL -- they *have* to be. They cannot even grasp their reality, internally, until they judge it. For example, if they see a blue car, a woman, a fridge, or a football game, they *must* declare if it's good or bad (or some other value-based distinction). It's not a choice -- it's the very model of how they engage reality.
The thing is, though, that INFPs don't typically declare their judgements to others -- because their Ne 'softens' them and waters them down, making them seem like musings, "harmless observations", or in this case, the informing style of communication.
The bottom line here is that INFPs typically delude themselves into thinking that they don't direct people. They DO. They just do it in a disingenious way.
INFPs *do* know where they want to eat, and where they want you to take them to eat. They DO know what they want you to do, and even more, they know that it's GOOD even if you don't (you poor thing).
Yet, of course, when you make a delceration -- "I want to eat a pizza" or "can we eat pizza tonight?" you must also take responsibility for that decleration.
INFPs don't like this aspect of life. In fact, I've never met one who didn't hate it.
When you direct, you take ownership. You become accountable to what you directed. If you tell someone to pick up some milk, and when they return with a jug it turns out that there's already 2 in the fridge, there is a consequence. The person who directed has to defend that direction -- or face the consequences of losing credibility the next time they direct someone to get milk.
But an INFP?
"I think we're low on milk."
It's a total "no lose" direction. If you go and get milk and find out that there's already two jugs, the INFP can shrug and say "hey, I didn't ask you to get milk, I just thought we were low." And if you DON'T act on that little 'hint' about the milk and open the fridge tomorrow and find no milk, and ask why, the INFP can say "hey, I mentioned we were low on milk..."
See? It's not noble at all -- it's not about 'allowing others to be themselves and find their own way." Maybe for very self-realized INFPs, but for most -- ordinary folks like us -- it's just cowardly communication. It's a way of interacting that protects a soft inner kingdom. It also prevents INFPs from *learning from their mistakes*, because they don't think they ever make any. They may feel all kinds of guilt and struggle with notions of 'ethical flaws', but I've never met one who didn't truly believe that the real problem was that the rest of the world wasn't up to the INFPs standards, and that's the REAL problem.
And yes, the worst social expression for this is when INFPs (and ISFPs) get a taste of work-related power, such as a management position. They simply refuse to accept that the office they hold demands accountability -- to staff, to the company, to customers, and so on. I've known a few Fi managers who completely disregarded their actual work responsibilities in order to nourish a very selfish sense of self. From a distance, it looked like "level 5 leadership" but it was anything but. It was retarted.
So INFPs, if you're out there -- don't fall into this tedious, unhelpful trap of thinking that just cuz you "inform" that you're somehow a therapist helping others self-actualize. If that's what you ARE doing, then more power to you. But most of you AREN'T. You're just afraid of taking responsibility for what you say, and you build your communication style around that.
Politicians do it all the time. INFPs are natural politicians, which is probably why they hate politics so much. What you reject, you project.
Sorry if this is harsh, but INFPs have to see this if they're going to move on. And if they don't want to move on, why the hell are they here?
I would like to respond to those remarks. My comments are interspersed below. (Apologies for the length.)
> Firstly, though VJ admits in her intro to the site
> that she's "INFJ bias", I actually find her comments
> remarkably well-balanced and in some situations,
> very...deferential to INFPs. This is very noble, and
> there are tons of INFJs who could follow this lead.
Hmm -- kind of implies that most INFJs aren't so
noble, doesn't it? Right away, this makes me think of
the writer, "Who does he think he is?"
> So what? Here: in this discussion on preferred
> communication style, the idea is that INFPs just
> don't like "telling people what to do"; I believe
> the INFP write-up on the site ("an INFPs
> perspective" or something like that) mentions stuff
> about really wanting to "help people integrate and
> be themselves."
>
> Yeah, okay. Maybe for SOME INFPs this is true -- the
> really self-aware ones who have more experience than
> theory in them. For most INFPs though, I think that
> this is just perfect bullshit.
I'd rather believe all INFPs (and everybody else too,
for that matter) have their ups and downs when it
comes to self-awareness. When at their best, INFPs do
want to "help people integrate and be themselves."
So, the remark is not out of place.
Then again, when INFPs are at their worst, naturally
they're not going to come across as anything like
saints. Quite the opposite. Kinda goes without
saying.
> To imply that INFPs don't want people to do certain
> things is just an outright LIE.
OK, so this person is saying that *sometimes* the
informing communication style is misused for
manipulation. That's probably true. Likewise, the
directing style is sometimes misused for domineering.
Some type descriptions do get a little flowery as they
seek to accentuate the positive. NFs are often
praised for being so altruistic, and maybe this gives
the reader a distorted picture. IMO, an altruistic
bent probably is part of being an NF -- but like
anything else, altruism can be twisted in all kinds of
ways. Maybe Hitler was being "altruistic" by forcing
everyone around him to do what's "good" for Germany
and ultimately "good" for all.
Yes, it's a bad idea to paint some types as saints and
others as sinners. Some writers try to paint all
types as saints, highlighting their unique virtues.
But readers will always judge those descriptions,
rating some virtues as better than others.
This writer seems to want to point out the "sinner"
side of people -- INFPs in particular. Maybe it's a
useful tonic for people who've mistakenly regarded
INFPs as all sweetness and light. But it pulls things
down to a negative level, pointing up some of the
worst in people. What good comes of that?
> INFPs delude
> themselves by thinking that because they have the
> "p", that they're the "open-ended, open-minded"
> ones. This is a complete, utter FLAW in how people
> self-diagnose type. They pick either I/E, S/N, T/F
> and then alas, J/P. And to make those 'decisions',
> each function is seen in isolation. This is just
> impossible and its stupid and the most blatant
> reason why type should never be self-diagnosed
> through a 30-second internet edutainment site.
>
> NOT because an INFP who tests INFP on the actual
> MBTI isn't going to test INFP if they go to any
> silly type hobbyists site (someone who dabbles in
> type). In fact, they probably WILL. But when you go
> to an actual qualified professional and get type
> done, you get those results interpreted. So you
> don't DELUDE yourself into thinking, for example,
> that as an INFP, you're "not judgement" -- because
> YOU ARE.
True, I guess, but unnecessarily harsh, IMO. Yes,
it's a bad idea to misinterpret the J/P thing. People
need to be educated on what it really means.
> In fact, INFPs and ISFPs are OFTEN THE MOST
> JUDGEMENTAL TYPES OF ALL -- they *have* to be. They
> cannot even grasp their reality, internally, until
> they judge it. For example, if they see a blue car,
> a woman, a fridge, or a football game, they *must*
> declare if it's good or bad (or some other
> value-based distinction). It's not a choice -- it's
> the very model of how they engage reality.
Hm, that's pretty interesting. It's only to say INFPs
have dominant Fi, though.
I suspect this writer is erring in the opposite
direction, though. While taking issue with the false
notion that INFPs are not judgmental at all, he's
adding a value judgment to the very word "judgmental."
There's a difference between having a dominant
"judging" function and being a "judgmental" person in
the colloquial sense.
I would remind the writer that "J" just refers to a
convergent thinking pattern -- a desire to arrive at a
single answer or conclusion or goal or decision. So,
having a dominant "J" function like Fi makes one
intent on aiming for a single answer instead of
leaving questions open. But I don't believe it
necessarily leads to making value-based judgments
about everything and everybody. It can, and sometimes
it probably does; but it doesn't have to.
> The thing is, though, that INFPs don't typically
> declare their judgements to others -- because their
> Ne 'softens' them and waters them down, making them
> seem like musings, "harmless observations", or in
> this case, the informing style of communication.
Um, I wouldn't say the auxiliary function (Ne) solely
accounts for the informing communication style. It
does, however, "soften" the dominant Fi: where Fi
would like to see one "final answer," Ne is very happy
to leave the question open and entertain lots of
possibilities.
So, yes -- INFPs do go around acting as if they're
open-minded and flexible (Ne), while inwardly they
have a strong desire to find the ultimate truth or one
right answer (Fi). But that's no more deceptive than
what any other introverted type does.
What good does it do to complain that introverts are
not extraverts? Some people display their dominant
function outwardly, others don't. Either way, it's
natural. We need not pass judgment on it.
> The bottom line here is that INFPs typically delude
> themselves into thinking that they don't direct
> people. They DO. They just do it in a disingenious
> way.
Well, sometimes some INFPs do. I'd refrain from
making this a blanket statement about all INFPs.
As an INFP, I can admit that there are times when I
would like a certain person to do a certain something.
Most of the time I work around that desire, leave it
up to the other person, and just focus on my own
things. But sometimes the situation will get to where
I have to say something. And when I do, it's almost
always a struggle for me. I can't just say to my
wife, "Put your damned dishes in the sink when you're
done!"
What I *should* do is dispassionately confront her and
say, "Sweetie, I wonder if you could do me a big
favor. It's starting to bother me to have to pick up
your dishes all over the house. Could you please try
to make a point of putting them in the sink when
you're done?"
But what I *actually* do is usually different than
that. I'll tolerate the situation, chalking it up to
"different strokes for different folks." But while
I'm picking up dishes from the floor or the bedroom or
wherever, I'll mutter something like, "What are dishes
doing here? They belong in the sink." And I may do
that pointedly, within earshot of my wife.
Some would call that passive-aggressive (she does).
This writer calls it disingenuous. But to me, it's a
pretty clear and honest expression of what's actually
on my mind. I really *don't* object to my wife having
unique behavior patterns that sometimes clash with my
preferences; she has every right to be that way. I
don't feel strongly enough to regard the situation as
a problem to be solved. To me, it's nothing but a
personal frustration on my part. And by saying, "What
are dishes doing here instead of in the sink where
they belong?" I'm voicing precisely what's on my mind.
My INTJ wife will likely ask, "Is that your indirect
way of saying there's a problem that we need to work
out?" Because to her, that's all it could be. But to
me, it's really not. I don't think of situations like
that in terms of problems and solutions. To me
they're just tasks, irritations, and moments of
frustration and self-expression.
From my POV, it would be disingenuous for me to say,
"Sweetie, we need to talk; there's a little problem
here to be solved." Because that's not what's really
on my mind. I don't really think in terms of
problems. If I said that, it'd be because I'm
effacing myself and trying to speak her NT language.
In truth, I wish her behavior pattern was more
harmonious with my feelings about clutter. But no, I
really don't want to redirect her behavior.
> INFPs *do* know where they want to eat, and where
> they want you to take them to eat. They DO know what
> they want you to do, and even more, they know that
> it's GOOD even if you don't (you poor thing).
That last bit sounds true; as an INFP, I always seem
to know what's good, even if others don't see it.
That dominant Fi is both a strength and a fault.
But as to really knowing what I want, that's simply
not true. Auxiliary Ne is not just a facade I present
to the world; it's a fundamental part of who I am. It
sees all kinds of possibilities, making it very
difficult to pick and choose. In short, I'm about the
most indecisive person I know.
Most of the time, I really don't know what I want.
So, if I hem and haw and beat around the bush, I'm
expressing my genuine feelings.
If other people are involved, that exacerbates the
problem. Because now I'm not only unsure of my own
wants; I'm also unsure of the other person's
preferences and worried that our choices won't mesh
nicely. So, my natural reaction is to start sounding
out the other person: "Oh, I don't know -- what do
*you* want?" If I can get a sense of what the other
person wants, I can begin to get in touch with my own
preferences.
This writer makes it sound like I know full well that
I want to go to Biaggi's and eat pizza, but I'm
determined to keep that to myself and be sly, making
the other person voice all the possibilities. If she
says, "How 'bout falafels?" I'll say no, and then wait
for the next suggestion -- and keep rejecting all the
suggestions until she hits upon Biaggi's for pizza.
That's ridiculous! If I say I'm not sure what I want,
it's because I'm not sure what I want.
> Yet, of course, when you make a delceration -- "I
> want to eat a pizza" or "can we eat pizza tonight?"
> you must also take responsibility for that
> decleration.
>
> INFPs don't like this aspect of life. In fact, I've
> never met one who didn't hate it.
>
> When you direct, you take ownership. You become
> accountable to what you directed. If you tell
> someone to pick up some milk, and when they return
> with a jug it turns out that there's already 2 in
> the fridge, there is a consequence. The person who
> directed has to defend that direction -- or face the
> consequences of losing credibility the next time
> they direct someone to get milk.
>
> But an INFP?
>
> "I think we're low on milk."
>
> It's a total "no lose" direction. If you go and get
> milk and find out that there's already two jugs, the
> INFP can shrug and say "hey, I didn't ask you to get
> milk, I just thought we were low." And if you DON'T
> act on that little 'hint' about the milk and open
> the fridge tomorrow and find no milk, and ask why,
> the INFP can say "hey, I mentioned we were low on
> milk..."
Bull. There's just as much accountability in any kind
of communication.
What this writer apparently doesn't get is that
communication can be genuinly *informing.* He seems
to believe all communication is directing, and that
the two kinds are "forthright" and "manipulative."
But in truth, sometimes communication is not directing
at all, in any sense.
When I say, "We're low on milk," it means just that.
Nothing more. It's not a hint or suggestion; it's
just an observation. And the accountability comes in
when my observation is weighed against the facts. If
it turns out there are two jugs of milk in the fridge,
the other person can rightly ask, "Why did you say we
were low on milk? We have two jugs." I'm responsible
for any observations I give voice to. But they're
just observations.
However, my natural informing style does carry over to
directing situations too. If my wife and I are making
a shopping list, I'm apt to say, "Oh, and we're also
low on milk." In that particular situation, I do
expect her to add milk to the list. So yes, the
informing style *can* be used in directing situations.
But those aren't the only situations there are.
> See? It's not noble at all -- it's not about
> 'allowing others to be themselves and find their own
> way." Maybe for very self-realized INFPs, but for
> most -- ordinary folks like us -- it's just cowardly
> communication.
I disagree. But I don't think we need put any value
judgments on either communication style. At its best,
one aspect of the informing style is that it does
"allow others to be themselves and find their own
way." But at its worst, it's downright manipulative.
So, let's forget the best and worst and stick to what
the informing style is most of the time: an emphasis
of information over direction.
In many of life's situations, that's perfectly
appropriate. A teacher lecturing to a class ought to
be *informing.* A child giving a book report ought to
be *informing.* An accident victim providing details
to a police officer ought to be *informing.* Life is
chock full of non-directing situations.
The informing communication style only looks
"cowardly" when it's used in a directing situation and
misunderstood by the listener.
If my wife and I are making a shopping list together,
and I say we're low on milk, it ought to be understood
that I'm asking her to add milk to the list. As an
INTJ, she might very well object to my style and wish
I had said, "Add milk to the list," but that's just a
clash of preferences. No harm done.
> It's a way of interacting that
> protects a soft inner kingdom. It also prevents
> INFPs from *learning from their mistakes*, because
> they don't think they ever make any. They may feel
> all kinds of guilt and struggle with notions of
> 'ethical flaws', but I've never met one who didn't
> truly believe that the real problem was that the
> rest of the world wasn't up to the INFPs standards,
> and that's the REAL problem.
Pssht! Guess this writer hasn't met me. I tend to
blame most everything on myself, sooner or later.
It's true that in the midst of a heated argument I'll
cling to a principle and swear by God it's absolutely
true, and consequences be damned. But once I've
cooled down, the embarrassment sets in, and then I'm
thinking, "What an ass I was!"
I'd say it's hard for most people (of any type) to
learn from their mistakes. It's hard to own up to
mistakes, especially when they arise from deep-rooted
personality patterns and are likely to be comfortable
and often repeated.
But life teaches us all better. And INFPs sooner or
later have to face the consequences of their mistakes
just like everybody else.
How does the informing communication style shield one
against the consequences of his behavior? It doesn't.
> And yes, the worst social expression for this is
> when INFPs (and ISFPs) get a taste of work-related
> power, such as a management position. They simply
> refuse to accept that the office they hold demands
> accountability -- to staff, to the company, to
> customers, and so on. I've known a few Fi managers
> who completely disregarded their actual work
> responsibilities in order to nourish a very selfish
> sense of self. From a distance, it looked like
> "level 5 leadership" but it was anything but. It was
> retarted.
I'm sure that does happen sometimes. OTOH, I believe
that in order to succeed at anything, a necessary
first step is assuming that you can and will succeed.
You have to act as if success is a given, then work to
make it a reality. INFPs, with their dominant Fi, are
especially good at assuming a mantle of success in any
endeavor they undertake. That's a big plus, because
other types are not as good at doing that. However,
other types may be much better at the follow-through:
working to make the assumption a reality. INFPs may
tend to get lazy and rest on their laurels.
So, yeah -- everybody has their strengths and
weaknesses.
> So INFPs, if you're out there -- don't fall into
> this tedious, unhelpful trap of thinking that just
> cuz you "inform" that you're somehow a therapist
> helping others self-actualize. If that's what you
> ARE doing, then more power to you. But most of you
> AREN'T. You're just afraid of taking responsibility
> for what you say, and you build your communication
> style around that.
>
> Politicians do it all the time. INFPs are natural
> politicians, which is probably why they hate
> politics so much. What you reject, you project.
>
> Sorry if this is harsh, but INFPs have to see this
> if they're going to move on. And if they don't want
> to move on, why the hell are they here?
Thanks for the heads-up about the trap. There's some
good advice here, and I have to admit there are many
times when I feel I ought to be able to just blurt out
anything that's on my mind and not have to be
accountable for it. Often my main interest when I
speak is just in venting my emotions or expressing
something I'm thinking about at the moment, so that's
what I do. The effect of my words on others doesn't
occur to me -- and even if it did, I might not see
that as important.
I'm sure I can stand to learn something here, and
maybe there's a blind spot that keeps me from seeing
what's right there.
OTOH, I think it's a mistake to make a value judgment
about communication styles, calling the informing
style just a "cowardly" form of the directing style.
That betrays a gross misunderstanding. According to
theory, the two styles stand side-by-side as equals.
If you can't see them as equals, you're
misunderstanding them.
IOW, if you say something bad about one style, you
ought to say something bad about the other as well.
Otherwise you're just being bigoted.
Hmmm.. after going back and forth, I reckon I'm probably P but I think there are a lot of factors which could confuse it one way or the other (I tested J). There's a lot of comments that I agree with and also a lot that I disagree with. If someone said "The lawn's a jungle. It would really benefit from a thorough mowing," I would not mow it on principle until asked directly.
Here's an example of how I communicate most naturally. A friend, Andrew, was driving my car, which is a 5 speed manual (stick I think you call it in the States). He was in 4th gear and the engine was revving very high, and I thought he should change to 5th gear. When I thought about it, I realised that he was revving so high in 4th because his car only has 4 gears and it's what he's used to. So I could have said "Please change to 5th gear, I'm worried about the engine." (directing), or I could have said "You know you're still in 4th?" (informing), but instead it went something like this:
Me: "So Andrew, your car only has 4 gears?"
Andrew: "Yeah, it's really annoying on long drives."
Me: "Well, you know this car has 5 gears..."
Andrew: laughs, realises he's still in 4th and changes gears.
So the important things for me in this and other interactions are:
1. I first needed to understand his behaviour, and how he might perceive my request.
2. Find a way to communicate that is affirming and can't be construed as judgmental or condescending if that's not the objective. If criticism is called for, then still seek to understand the reasons and communicate constructively.
3. In the end, we both understood the situation and the necessary course of action even if it wasn't spelled out explicitly.
If I can't find a way to satisfy these requirements, I will often remain silent rather than direct or inform.
I would like to add that, as an INFP, I found the comments portrayed by the Anonymous posting before Rick to be very narrow minded and vitriolic in presentation and is an unfair representation of the INFP archetype in ways that far from apply to all who would consider themselves proud to wear such a label. I was considering posting myself, but I don't think there is much I can add to the argument that Rick has not already covered.
I think the most important facet that Rick has covered is just that: many of the times, when I am making an observation, I am JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION. If I say the food I am eating tastes peculiar, or I can detect fenugreek or cardamom, if I say that the milk has ran out fast, many other such things I AM JUST STATING THINGS AS AN OBSERVATION. I am only young yet I have long since learned that communication must be earnest and direct, however open.
Personally, I hate to be directed with no reason. I resent it. I rally against it. If someone tells me to do something without due justification or a reasoning for doing that task, I will openly call it into question. Why do you want me to do such a thing? I'm not going to do whatever you tell me just because I am told, except if I already understand there is an inference, or I hold you in high esteem or respect, or social conventions such as authority dictate that I am bound to obey you. Yet I also realise that indirect inferences are often unfair to others - indeed, so much so that I rarely use them. Still time and time again people detect inferences in my observations where THERE WERE NONE! Apologies for the caps, but it is confoundedly frustrating for people to think you were making a suggestion when you were really just speaking your mind. And then people wonder why you are so quiet all the time! I can't frigging win here, I'm an introvert as it is! Maybe I am one of the especially "self-aware" INFPs that you have mentioned. However, being in my early twenties, I highly doubt that to be the case. I recognise the distinctions even when other people do not. If I know I want to eat pizza, I will not tell other people "I want to eat pizza". However, if I am asked, I will say "I personally want to eat pizza, but if you don't then I'm open to suggestions". Which may be a bit long winded, but it is true. If I dislike something so much I will let you know about it. Otherwise it's not worth causing a fuss over.
Again, about the shopping lists. I personally don't use shopping lists when I shop alone. I just go through the aisles, one by one, and trust my Ne to flare up whenever I reach an item telling me that I need it. So far this has proven to be very accurate, and if I miss one or two items, hey, I can always go back and get them another time, it's not the end of the world. If I was shopping with a heavily J-inclined partner however, I would say things like "we're running out of toilet paper" or "we could do with some more vegetable oil" or somesuch. If people aren't clear about things, then they are all free to ask me for clarification. I don't think I am being too ambiguous when we are in the middle of a supermarket doing our shopping and I suggest we replace something we are low on. Come on now... and saying I cannot learn from my mistakes? I admit I am judgmental, but what you fail to understand is that I am constantly running that judgment through in my head "is it valid? is it fair? is that what it really means?" and I actually never stop thinking about these things. I don't express these things to others unless asked precisely either because it is not fair on them or I do not fully understand myself. Suggesting I do not learn from my mistakes is demeaning to me as a person and I can only begin to imagine the negative experiences you must have had with others of my type - for which I am deeply regretful - for you to think in such a way.
I apologise if the above sounds somewhat irritated, but the truth of the matter is I actually rather am. You are making an unfair assumption and a value judgment and I absolutely will not allow you to extend those stereotypical perceptions in my direction. At best I would strongly advise you to be more objective and/or intersubjective, and accepting in your approach, and at worst I can only hope that such an attitude will not cause undue discomfort in people you are yet to have dealings with.
Hey, I guess I said something after all.
When I first found your site, I looked at a lot of the information on INFJ and thought "OMG I think this is me" but then I got to the INFJ or INFP section and the preferred communication style and was like "um...wait, I think I inform...or maybe I just want to inform since it sounds less bossy" and I started going back and forth. I've finally decided that I'm most probably an INFP. It makes me a little sad, though >.> I haven't found a site as detailed as yours for INFPs and I'm a poor college student so buying things is out of the question for now ='[
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for helping me figure it out (for the most part, I'm still indecisive, which I hear is also an INFP trait, but w/e)
~Bianca
I have a funny example between my boyfriend (INTJ) and I (INFP).
If I'm driving and a stoplight is red, he'll yell "Red" or "Stop!" even when I'd already seen it and am already slowing down.
On the other hand, when he's driving and the light turns red and he doesn't notice it right away, I struggle for words and usually end up with something more like "The light isn't green anymore" or "Um, have you noticed the color of the light?" He laughs at this every time and reminds me that "RED!" works better, but I can't ever seem to remember that when I'm worried he's about to run the light. Instead I aways end up saying a longer informing warning instead.
Great example! Thanks for sharing. :-)
Thank you very much Vicky - this distinction between informing and directing styles really cleared up things up for me.
For I have recalled LOTS of occasions when other people asked me "why haven't you informed me" :))
I considered that a negative trait in my character, so nowadays I do more of informing. However sometimes I just can't help myself.
One story of mine happened a few months ago: my boss obviously preferes "behind the scenes" approach. And that frequently irritates me, for I need to feel direction and progress. Thus I tried to deliver a message "look we really need A PLAN to actually go somewhere and people are stressed from going round in circles". And even after such a direct statement he still wouldn't do anything proactive. Then I decided to take the unofficial initiative myself: organized the people, got out the list of problems, distributed the effort and solved them. The initiation part was probably the hardest, but everything else seemed like second nature for me.
I thought of a really vivid example to demonstrate INFJ attitude of communication.
I can easily imagine myself being a director of a play (once I really was in middleschool ;) There I would give orders towards the people on the set and it would feel natural for me: "you go here", "you stand over there", "you - show more emotion" and so on. For that is part of the job.
Then one actor would walk up to me and ask to explain his role. Now, deep down I know that I am not very good at explaining, but I still do it nevertheless. I try to explain as clearly as possible - I might even enjoy this process, for it involves Fe. But then the actor shakes his head and says, that he did not understand. So I explain AGAIN using different wording and giving some visual examples, but this time I would feel myself growing impatient.
And after that if he STILL does not get it, I would freak out. I would get very irritated and impatient. Several things would be going in my head: "gosh, I really do suck at explaining things, don't I? More importantly this problem disrupts our SCHEDULE for today". Several thought subprocesses would fire up in my mind for what other staff members should do while I attempt to resolve the situation. After all this internal and external rearrangement I would say: "ok, I see that you don't get it - how can I explain it to you more clearly?". In some cases I would decide not to explain, but switch the actor or skip the part entirely (contingency planning).
And if it happened like for the third time in a day - I would probably go and bang my head against the wall :))
Vicky, when I watched the video I know I was supposed to be paying attention to the "chop chops" and hand movement, but I wasn't. I was watching you, and noticing how "directing" is hardwired in the way you naturally move. From the opening "Hey you!" to the way you gently grabbed the young man and turned him in the "right" direction, directing is just how you roll. I notice that NFJs have this energy about them that can come across like impatience or like they are barely contained and just bursting to take control.
I've just realized while reading your article just what directing and informing actually are. My mom and I will have a conversation with someone. When they're gone, she'll start complaining about how this person has asked her to do one, two, three things and how unreasonable that is. I'm then left thinking what! When? Then I'll jump on her throat about putting words in people's mouths.
Nowadays when she's reporting an incident to me about what someone said or did, I find myself asking her "What exactly did she say? Tell me the words" i just don't trust that someone actually meant this thing unless they came right out and said it.
When we need to do something urgently, I tell her "call ...and ask/tell him ..." I make it very simple and clear. Then she'll get on the phone and start telling all these stories! I then tell her" just tell him!" It seems like she struggles to just come out and say the simplest thing.
Am chuckling at how many arguments we've had because of this directing/informing mismatch!
I just realized that I use an informing style. I never thought I did because it seems so wimpy and I am not a wimpy person, but I was talking to the kids and I said, "A and B, you need to go clean the kitchen now! It better be spotless when I get back!" I realized I didn't command them to do anything, I simply informed them that they need to clean and do it before I returned. I wasn't wimpy. It was definitely a lightbulb!
I'm not sure what my type is, though I am leaning towards INTP. On the topic of informing, one thing that I've noticed that I'll do (with someone I know well) is if I feel they're being bossy or high-handed I'll give them a little sarcastic half-bow or yes sir!, rather then actually telling them to tone it down. I usually only direct someone if I've snapped and lost my temper. I remember once when I was little I was in the passenger seat while my grandpa was driving, and a chook wandered in front of his 4WD without him noticing. Luckily I did, and I yelled out "Chicken!" rather than "stop", which is something I think a person with directing preferences would say. The chicken came out unscathed, by the way.
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